By Erin • October 01, 2016
Hello everyone! Hoh-tza-khee again to you all? I know you were feeling quite “bitin” about my previous blog entry, so here’s the second part.
I despised the Caucasian Man-child’s apparent lack of effort in showing his “love” for me. I did not see any sign of stepping up from him. I despised that he could not give me the fairytale romance I was wishing for. He did not offer me anything of substance, except for hugs and text messages. He is just an ordinary American expat, and there’s plenty of that sort in Makati City. He is no Christian Grey, I know, but that should not stop him from showing that he loves me. That is, if he really meant what he said.
“Fit me into your life,” he texted. “What do you mean?” I asked.
“I’m just telling you, Erin. Before you miss me so much, be able to take me. You’re thinking too much about abstract stuff. You can’t even think about what’s in front of you.” I really did not have a full grasp of what he texted me. I did not bother asking him. He should have said this to me in person, and not through text.
A man-child does not know how to deal with n adult woman (me) who wants to have an adult conversation in person.
My relationship with the Caucasian Man-child was like my relationship with overpriced New York cheesecake – life-altering for an hour, quickly followed with regret.
He kept me in the dark. He never held my hand in public. He never informed me when he would go back to California. He never informed me when he’s in the Philippines. He never informed me when he goes to his diving trips. He never invited me out-of-town. He only called when he wanted to see me. I was technically at his beck and call.
The Caucasian man-child was the guy in my life who gave me so much emotional pain. He was my Mr. Mistake I Wish I Didn’t Make; my biggest mistake. The whole absurd reality just dawned on me when he did not greet me on my birthday last year. Heck, he never even asked when it was!
When I talk about him to my friends, it’s like they want to shake me. I know where they were coming from. They were concerned about me. I remember my guy friend Kriss, who literally shook my shoulders while saying, “Nahihibang ka na ba? Naisip mo ba ‘yung peh-bhu mo?” (“Are you out of your mind? Have you thought of your parents?”) when I told him that I am willing to be with the Caucasian man-child whatever it takes. I showed his picture to my friend Gigi, and Gigi said, “Mukha palang hindi na gagawa ng matino.”
My saving grace was my restraint and my perpetual tamaditis (laziness bug). I only went as far as cyber-stalk him, his family and his friends online. He had a personal blog that time, that I read every chance I get. Through his blog, I found out things about him that were not quite pretty. He is an immature man-child with a teenage daughter. He did not marry his college sweetheart. That says a lot about his character.
I loved the Caucasian man-child from afar. I thought that his “I love you” in person was a reassurance of where I stood in his life.
The worst part of dating the Caucasian Man-child was that I felt like I was severely taken advantage of, and with my consent. I am embarrassed about the whole thing. Nakakahiya to the highest level.
Because of the Caucasian man-child, I became mad at myself for the sadness and depression that I allowed myself to have. It was all irrational. He shattered my perception of myself. I never hurt myself physically. It was much worse, because I pitied myself.
When I was still “in love” with him, I tried to date around. In the timeline between Caucasian Man-child and Chinito Guy, I have met around 10 guys, to no avail even though 3 of them were substantial. Wala eh. Nobody took his place. Subconsciously, I loved him the whole time so dating around was “nakaka-walang-gana.” I felt like I was cheating in this fake relationship. Until July 2016 when Chinito Guy came…
Why did I have to stop loving this man-child?
1). He’s emotionally unreliable and a commitment phobe – He’s terrified of letting a woman get to know the real him.
2). He’s still trying to find himself. – Really? You’re friggin’ 36, with a teenage daughter. If you haven’t found yourself today, then it’s not happening!!!
3). We’re not on the same page. - I was looking for a commitment, and he was looking for the next “Chinese chick,” as he coined it.
4). I want the relationship to evolve. – What he needs is a girl who will never expect to meet his teenage daughter, his family, his friends, and won’t talk about random stuff and serious stuff. He needs a girl who won’t talk.
5). There’s never a shortage of straight Quality Men out there. I still believe so.
Moreover, I do not want to be 43 and still be in love with a 50 year-old man-child who’s the oldest one at the bar, and hitting on a girl half his age (that’s not me).
I look back now and just shake my head at how naive I was with the whole thing with the Caucasian Man-child. Nevertheless, this harrowing experience of the immature idiot that I once was was important because it taught me how to evolve into a mature, thinking woman. I look back and was disappointed with how I acted. I resolve to make sure I don’t repeat those mistakes ever again in my future relationships or whatevers. In other words, being immature at first was essential for me to evolve into a more mature human being. I guess than “Lannang Kiyeme” restraint was put into good use, after all.
I will never ever talk to my future beau about him, even though he triggered the dopamine system in my brain. It’s like he never existed. I think that the 13 months of one-sided romantic love I wasted on him was more than enough.
If I ever meet someone as emotionally unavailable as the Caucasian Man-child in the future, I am walking away no matter how charming he is. I take that back – I am definitely running away.